My Twisted Path to Magic

How did I get here? What have I lived through?  What shaped me and my view of life and led me to what I call "magic"? Well, the only reason I am going to share this here is because you might wonder how I could possibly understand you? Well, you will be the judge of that, because it doesn't matter if I think I understand if you don't feel understood ;) But here goes, a little glimpse into the where I'm coming from and how I got here.

Being different: My passport says I’m Austrian, but I never felt like I was really “from” a place. I learnt from my cross-generational immigrant experience. I have Eastern European, Balkan, and Irish roots; My parents were the children of immigrants; I was a stranger in my own country when we returned to Austria from having spent my early childhood in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. Later, I moved to the US, lived there for 12 years, navigating all kinds of visas and interrogations at border control. Now, my husband and I live in Sweden. While our kid speaks three languages fluently, he also knows what it’s like to be different. Over the years, I learnt that it matters less where I’m from, and more that I can feel connected to where I’m at. To be “of” a place, means to become a custodian of its nature and inhabitants and to connect through beholding, appreciation and contribution. I still know what it's like to feel lonely, sometimes, and it cuts to the bone. Then I imagine the trillions of cells in my body, all little living organisms of their own, and it suddenly feels pretty darn crowded and I'm grateful for a little solitude ;)

Thinking different: I’ve always had a hard time following rules, remaining still, do what was expected, learn in traditional ways, or accept established “norms”. For the life of me, I can't pay attention to stuff I find boring! They call it ADHD. I call it having access to magic. But it’s also very much like riding a wild mustang with your hands tied behind the back, sometimes. If you can do it, you’ve basically developed a superpower. I understand what it means to develop crafty strategies to work WITH your brain & body rather than against. Was it easy? Hell, no! But it developed my capacity to empathize with and support others who have a hard time fitting their nature into our culture and the demands of social structures and work hours and other constraints. 

Suddenly, everything's different! I took care of my mom when I was in my 20ies and she fell ill. A nasty bacteria found its way into her brain and put her in a coma. She healed and she's fine now. But it was the first blow and taught me that a) life is fragile and b) I can figure out a cookbook and put edible food on the table and take care of my dad and the household and return to my studies and that it's true that "this, too, shall pass." Years later, my dad fell from a ladder and suffered a massive traumatic brain injury. He, too, is fine now, but the journey was long and painful and he was very depressed. Then, in February 2024, my husband texts me: "I have a stroke." And he did. A big brain bleed in the right hemisphere, while he was teaching! After months in various hospitals and rehab centers, he is home now and recovering. It has really tested my "magic", I can tell you, and everyday has provided ample opportunity to practice, practice, practice and walk my own talk. 

Working different: I’ve learnt from navigating an academic career from doctoral student to full professor on both sides of the Atlantic (PhD in Austria, post doc at MIT, getting tenure in the US, becoming docent and full prof. in Europe) in a highly transdisciplinary field (game design research) that I helped co-create because it basically didn’t exist when I started. It required me master the game of traditional academia, and become a rigorous, published researcher to be taken seriously. It also required me to help build the field of practice-based research, establish criteria of success and produce impactful work that won awards and got showcased in festivals and exhibits. Walking between the worlds meant learning how to speak different languages – the language of science and the language of art – translate between them, gain allies, and negotiate terms. Apparently, I did this rather well, because over the years I co-created a lot of PhD, MFA and MA programs, and was appointed several leadership positions in which I chaired and directed programs and departments. 

Doing different: The most productive way to do, I found, is “playfully”. Without play, all this “difference” and the challenges it brought with it, would have gotten me good and stuck. And once, I really did feel good and stuck, lost, and torn down to my very bones. Because, you know, abusive relationships don't happen to "weak" or "stupid" or "gullible" people. It can happen to anyone, if we are vulnerable to certain pressures and dynamics due to a shaping we received since the day we were born. No one teaches us how to "love". No one! We've got to figure this out ourselves. No one teaches us healthy boundaries or how to really tune into our intuition to know when to turn away. Anyways - that's besides the point. The point is: Play helped me reconnect with my essence, liberate myself from a toxic relationship, and navigate by a deep sense of inner integrity.

We think of “play” as something mainly children do. It doesn’t really serve a purpose, it’s a past time, it’s frivolous, distracting, we shouldn’t do too much of it lest we neglect our duties. That, my friends, is a load of crap. Play saves lives. Play is MAGIC and it is my commitment as a "magic coach" to help others tap into their unique and genuine play energy to find their own path, their own voice, their joy and carry that into the world as their own gifts.